Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it hurts more in the daytime
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
