If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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