I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
