He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
