the condom got lost in my hair
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
