Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
