Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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