im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
