My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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