oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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