I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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