i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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