Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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