What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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