The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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