Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
