my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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