You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
