Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
sarcasm needs its own font
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
