Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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