god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
