I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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