I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
