my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
