also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
