I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
