you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
