I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
