we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
organizing the empties. That sober.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
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The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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