I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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