Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
