I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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