just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
