how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
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he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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