Soap is not a condiment
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
