Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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