I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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