i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
