Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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