I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
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The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
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In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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