Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
