the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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