first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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