mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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