He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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