Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
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Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
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my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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