he wants to bone in the snuggie
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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