There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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