the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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