im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I look better un-naked...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
