I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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