i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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