nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
