i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
